Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh you find it offensive? I find it funny... that's why I'm happier than you douchebag.

   I wish people would be honest in their FB posts, like, "Happy birthday to my slightly less than average looking kind of friend, Jenny."

   Cats know. I don’t know what it is they know, but they know it and they’ve known it for a while. They know.

   Bring me coffee or die in a suspicious fire.

   Don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. If you don't give her attention someone else will. In conclusion, you're screwed.

   Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths

   It's sucks when you roll out of bed and realize you forget to do everything you planned on doing the night before.

   When a relationship becomes too much work can you outsource it?

   The only other thing more popular than Facebook's "Like" button is MySpace's "Delete Account" button.

   Just because I missed you, doesn't mean I wished you were there!

   Dear ex, you remind me of my dirty laundry because I didn't like doing you.

   You make me feel dead inside ... Happy Valentine's Day

   Your face isn't a coloring book. Chill on the makeup!!

   I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is called joy.

   I tell people I listen to Justin bieber just so they wouldn't talk to me again.

   You're never too old to become younger.

   Once I was all over you, now I'm just over you.

   If I knew then what I know now, there's no way I would have passed high school algebra.

   If eating a bunch o junk f food when you're supposed to be sleeping isn't a super power, then I don't know what is...