Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every person who just drove by me was on the phone but not me I'm on Facebook

   I love my smile! It's best though when it's reflected back on the faces of others!

   I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.

   My boss is into me.Whenever I show up for work in the afternoon,she's always like "Where have you been?You should have been here hours ago!"

   Scientists don't know why bees are disappearing, like if you keep stealing a dude's honey he's gonna be cool with it and stick around.

   It's wierd paying taxes as a stoner knowing that a portion will be used trying to incarcerate yourself.

   Oh you find it offensive? I find it funny... that's why I'm happier than you douchebag.

   I wish people would be honest in their FB posts, like, "Happy birthday to my slightly less than average looking kind of friend, Jenny."

   Cats know. I don’t know what it is they know, but they know it and they’ve known it for a while. They know.

   Bring me coffee or die in a suspicious fire.

   Don't give a girl your attention or she'll lose interest. If you don't give her attention someone else will. In conclusion, you're screwed.

   Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths

   It's sucks when you roll out of bed and realize you forget to do everything you planned on doing the night before.

   When a relationship becomes too much work can you outsource it?

   The only other thing more popular than Facebook's "Like" button is MySpace's "Delete Account" button.

   Just because I missed you, doesn't mean I wished you were there!

   Dear ex, you remind me of my dirty laundry because I didn't like doing you.

   You make me feel dead inside ... Happy Valentine's Day

   Your face isn't a coloring book. Chill on the makeup!!