Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn't on purpose!

   To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"

   Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

   If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.

   Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".

   Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

   I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls

   did primary voters even google "Clinton"?

   .... I remember in May of 2008 when a lady named Hillary Clinton suggested the assassination of Barack Obama but her balls weren't electrocuted by the CIA .... So why should Trumps?

   In Game of Thrones, how Cersei felt during the walk of shame is how I feel using a CoinStar in front of everyone in the grocery store.

   Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.

   When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.

   Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.

   Some Warning Labels are a little stupid, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   The United Kingdom will exit the European Union and have agreed to start seeing other countries, like the United States.

   "That guy in the salmon colored shorts is getting laid tonight." -Said no woman ever

   When Attorney General Loretta Lynch was testifying in court about her secret meeting with Hillary's husband, I was struck by the irony of the fact that she was appointed Attorney General to arrest people like Loretta Lynch.

   I must have an amazing Butt because every time I walk away from someone they say ... "What an ass."