Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   Smoke alarms going off. Guess the wife's cooking is done...

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   I went to the poles today.... well, they were stripper poles, but those girls got my vote.

   Looking at those meteorite videos from Chelyabinsk. I have learned Russians have very bad radio stations....

   That Russian meteor footage is anice reminder that we are flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof

   Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn't on purpose!

   To avoid disappointment next year I will be renaming it. "Cook your own steak and watch me play candy crush day"

   Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.

   If you text someone to tell them you’re standing outside of their house instead of knocking on the door, then you probably text too much.

   Imagining the horrified look on your kid's face when you tell them "When I was born there was no internet".

   did primary voters even google "Clinton"?

   .... I remember in May of 2008 when a lady named Hillary Clinton suggested the assassination of Barack Obama but her balls weren't electrocuted by the CIA .... So why should Trumps?

   Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

   I miss the days when getting tested just meant you were sleeping around.

   Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls

   I'm ready for summer!

   My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.

   All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

   Gave up alcohol and coffee the past 2 weeks and was rewarded with a cold. So much for healthy choices 👎🏻