Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You and your rumors have two things in common: you're both fake and you both get around.

   Full Disclosure: I get most of my jokes from a 13 year old Amish kid named Caleb.

   So the City that never sleeps now has a Quarterback that never sleeps with anyone?

   Kiss her hello, kiss her goodbye, and kiss her for any other reason in between.

   just putting some salad bits on my bacon

   Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?

   Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.

   Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.

   If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.

   my computer decided to restart itself, and I lost the 37 tabs I had open. my life is in shambles

   The Allstate mayhem guy drunkenly stumbles into the Progressive headquarters, while screaming, “COME AT ME FLO!!”

   I see your creepiness level and raise you a disappearing act.

   Watching Man vs Food. I think I've finally found someone who's had more meat in them than Kim Kardashian.

   Redneck word of the day; Sapphire, Cletus accidentally sapphire to Bubbas trailer with a bottle rockrt

   Finally met the new neighbor. An uncanny resemblance to Satan!! Maybe that's why it's been so hot...

   Thank goodness I can now re-read yesterday's posts on page one...

   "I wasn't that drunk." "Dude you logged into Myspace"

   Look, we can't all be part of the problem. Get your own thing.

   Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff....

   It's never too early to set something on fire.