Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.

   Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.

   If you've never gotten out of the shower and dried off with paper towels, you probably do your laundry more often than I do.

   my computer decided to restart itself, and I lost the 37 tabs I had open. my life is in shambles

   The Allstate mayhem guy drunkenly stumbles into the Progressive headquarters, while screaming, “COME AT ME FLO!!”

   I see your creepiness level and raise you a disappearing act.

   Watching Man vs Food. I think I've finally found someone who's had more meat in them than Kim Kardashian.

   Redneck word of the day; Sapphire, Cletus accidentally sapphire to Bubbas trailer with a bottle rockrt

   Finally met the new neighbor. An uncanny resemblance to Satan!! Maybe that's why it's been so hot...

   Thank goodness I can now re-read yesterday's posts on page one...

   "I wasn't that drunk." "Dude you logged into Myspace"

   Look, we can't all be part of the problem. Get your own thing.

   Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff....

   It's never too early to set something on fire.

   I just wrote "your" instead of "you're", now I have to knock out my teeth and live in a trailer.

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" – the Working Title of my new Childrens book

   Why are those who profess tolerance intolerant of different viewpoints????

   A state hghway dept crew reached their jobsite and realized they forgot all the shovels! The foreman radioed the office and informed them of the situation. The suprvsr responded 'Dont worry we'll send the shovels just lean on eachother until they arrive!!

   Tomorrow can be just another day or it could be the first day of the rest of your life. Change happens by choice not coincidence.

   The tupac hologram at coachella was so realistic, it's already not paying child support for two children