Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I squeeze a tube of 'whitening toothpaste' and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.

   n't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?

   "I understand your logic, but let's try to look at this more emotionally." - women

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas gift.... 📕📗 They are due back at the library today. 😂😂😂

   Oh so you are tired of someone asking for their money back that you borrowed from them? How annoying of them. Here is a thought....PAY THEM BACK! They won't ask anymore.

   My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.

   Please don't cry. You look ugly when you cry - me consoling a crying woman

   I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.

   "That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers

   "I only like you as a friend, but I'm not going to tell you until you fall in love with me, because I want to break your heart." - Women

   I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.

   Gay Marriage legal and not one Bruce Jenner joke. You guys need to step up your game.

   Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.

   LIFE HACK: Just eat your burrito over a tortilla,,, anything that falls out, will simply start building your next burrito

   Facebook: Where others entertain you with their boredom.

   having more ups and downs than a hookers panties today.

   The entire French language is a choking hazard.

   making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way," I usually do.