Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the person hacking up a lung in the cube next to me, will you do us all a favor and die already.

   2011: Every day I'm shuffling. 1836: Each and every riseth of the sun I will be moving thy feet in a whimsical manner.

   Can't wait until nothing happens on 12/21/2012.

   My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”

   Ladies stop worrying about the quickest way to a mans heart and just give him a blow job already.

   It's that time of the night again where I pick one of you lucky ladies selfies to jerk off to before I cry myself to sleep..

   .... It turns out that Hillary Clinton has 21 media advocates on her campaign payroll. Isn't that kinda like having 21 Used car salesmen hired to sell one car?

   Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!

   when I was drunk, you were beautiful

   Thanks to the BP oil spill in the Gulf, fish oil capsule supplements will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   If BP needs a giant box to contain all the oil, they can call any of my ex-girlfriends.

   When you have more moochers and looters (ppl who live off the government) than you do producers (working taxpayers), be prepared for your country to fall!!

   I have discovered the best way to get a mani pedi as a guy and still have it be manly. Take your daughter and just be the awesome Dad who's bonding with her over something she likes... nobody can question that and all the single moms just swoon. Bonus!

   ..thought it was a good thing adding her parents to Facebook until I posted " is going out for the night!" & mum commented "Good! That means me and your father can have loud sex now!". I'll remember to lock my bedroom door before I go out..

   likes it under my arm after I knocked an old lady over the head for it.

   The Greek invented lovemaking, but the Italians introduced it to the women

   On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – Halftime.

   When I was a little kid I use to wait for Mrs. Butterworth to talk to me but she never did......I HATE HER

   I know alcohol is never the answer, but it's always my best guess.

   #1 I am sorry to break this to you baby but you are not #1. you are not even #10. To be honest I don't think you even made the speed dial list! However, you will always be my favorite Grandma!