Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   People tend to hurry up at the ATM if you stand behind them with an erection. Just saying.

   The difference between what you say and who you are is what you do.

   The fact that Jay Z scored Beyonce tells me we all have a shot at love, no matter what we look like.

   My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."

   My Laptop should come with a breathalyzer so I can't post anything after 3 glasses of wine

   I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

   All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids

   Monica Lewinski's whole experience at the White House left a bad taste in her mouth.

   I'm so tired of women accusing us men that all we do is scratch our ballz. We do not. We scratch the bag.

   Heartache tonight. RIP Glenn Frey.

   You look over-medicated. What's your doctor's name?

   Just went down to get my driver's license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they'll just think I'm spastic.

   I hate getting old,,first you forget names,, then you forget faces,,then you forget to zip up your fly,, then you forget to unzip your fly....

   All of my best ideas involve jail time.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, so are we dating yet??!

   Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

   Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.

   Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.