Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took 3 years of college chemistry and never once learned how to cook meth so don't tell me about your disappointments.

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream

   If gay couple want to get married and be just as miserable as straight couples, let'em.

   Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.

   Breaking News : The Army has been in contact with Tom Brady for advice on how to deflate the lost blimp.

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   People tend to hurry up at the ATM if you stand behind them with an erection. Just saying.

   The difference between what you say and who you are is what you do.

   The fact that Jay Z scored Beyonce tells me we all have a shot at love, no matter what we look like.

   My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."

   My Laptop should come with a breathalyzer so I can't post anything after 3 glasses of wine

   I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

   All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids

   Monica Lewinski's whole experience at the White House left a bad taste in her mouth.

   I'm so tired of women accusing us men that all we do is scratch our ballz. We do not. We scratch the bag.

   Heartache tonight. RIP Glenn Frey.

   You look over-medicated. What's your doctor's name?

   Just went down to get my driver's license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they'll just think I'm spastic.

   I hate getting old,,first you forget names,, then you forget faces,,then you forget to zip up your fly,, then you forget to unzip your fly....