Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah :) ... I like it on Your shoulder ... and don't ever try to tell me to " hold it ! "

   hosting a Mayan calendar party on Dec 22, 2012. Disregard this announcement if the world ends on Dec 21, 2012. Also, if the earth's magnetic field does not reverse by then, I'm planning to sponsor a pole flipping contest.

   Everyone has that one key on their keyring that they have no idea what it's for.

   Warning Labels are ruining process of elimination

   If you need time alone, announce that it's time to clean the house.

   My parents told me I could be anything I wanted. I've finally decided. . . I want to be 21 again.

   wants all his friends to know that your "save the endangered chipmunks or whatever" petition with 5000 signatures stops in my Inbox. You will never see your precious little email again!

   I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.

   No one wasted their superhero/villain potential quite like Zack Morris and his ability to Freeze Time.

   Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.

   Wanted, Teenager owners manuel for models 1993 thru 1996. Must be kid tested and mother approved.

   Aren't you ever tired of having yourself around??

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   I wonder if stalking your stalker bothers them?

   woke up this morning with an awful hangover and see that there are a lot of male and female cartoon character complaining of a wild night and drunken blackouts. I predict some pretty goofy lookin' babies in 9 months!

   Working on the art of the classic "Farmer Blow" technique. Figure I can save a lot of money on tissues with allergy season here.

   thinks that "beer" might be the real magic word. Forget about "please" (unless, of course, it is following "beer"...)

   if there was any truth in advertising the new KFC Double Down would be called the Double Bypass

   wonders if the neighbors realize just how slow their Internet is...geezus I've been trying to watch 48 hours mystery for the last 2 hours!