Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Working on the art of the classic "Farmer Blow" technique. Figure I can save a lot of money on tissues with allergy season here.

   thinks that "beer" might be the real magic word. Forget about "please" (unless, of course, it is following "beer"...)

   if there was any truth in advertising the new KFC Double Down would be called the Double Bypass

   wonders if the neighbors realize just how slow their Internet is...geezus I've been trying to watch 48 hours mystery for the last 2 hours!

   whew... stocks drop 900 points..... wish it were like a married woman and rarely went down

   my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

   1 Hairspray and 2 tons of make up still dont replace brain!!!

   Does a coffin come with a life time guarantee?

   Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

   It's not my fault when I open my mouth words come out

   let's get 1 thing straight...i work for a living,..i dont live for workin'

   Wanted, Teenager owners manuel for models 1993 thru 1996. Must be kid tested and mother approved.

   Aren't you ever tired of having yourself around??

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   I wonder if stalking your stalker bothers them?

   woke up this morning with an awful hangover and see that there are a lot of male and female cartoon character complaining of a wild night and drunken blackouts. I predict some pretty goofy lookin' babies in 9 months!

   hosting a Mayan calendar party on Dec 22, 2012. Disregard this announcement if the world ends on Dec 21, 2012. Also, if the earth's magnetic field does not reverse by then, I'm planning to sponsor a pole flipping contest.

   Everyone has that one key on their keyring that they have no idea what it's for.

   Warning Labels are ruining process of elimination