Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Andy Reid said if Obama loses he can start next week against Dallas...

   A good girlfriend is like a good bra, she uplifting, she is supportive, she fits you well, and she is always close to your heart.

   Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked all the time

   i feel bad when I see a lonely old person at the bus stop... but then I remember how those a$$holes drive.

   Sunday, my day of rest...Rest of the leftover booze!!!!

   Having sex doesn't make you a s?ut, and being a virgin doesn't make you a saint.

   I refused to allow my doctor to diagnose me with OCD.. Acronyms must contain an even number of letters.

   Coffee to me is what a wand is to Harry Potter.

   I love this oscillating fan 5 out of every 15 seconds

   Ok A$$hole, just go around me. I'm already doing 40 over the limit, and I'm not speeding up. Stupid tailgater..... With your stupid flashing lights

   but why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   I hate when the guy seated next to me on the plane falls asleep and his azz starts to snore.

   How about at least a little wave to thank me for not killing you, pedestrians?!

   Those Cialis dudes get turned on when they see really bad acting

   have you ever noticed that Monday and Mundane sound almost the same? Coincidence? I think not!!!

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   The Human Brain is remarkable. It is the worlds most intelligent and advanced biological creation. The peak of human evolution. Then occasionally it forgets all that, like just now, when I went to scratch my eye and punched myself in the face instead.

   I can't understand half the things bilingual people say.

   They say if she stayed by your side even when you broke her heart, then she is the one. I say she is the one alright, the one dumbass.

   If I start calling it 'Juniper berry juice', Gin becomes a health drink. RIGHT??