Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 137.

   I sometimes wonder why I'm 33 and single. Then I see you with your screaming kids in the grocery store and quickly remember.

   I find that a ducks opinion of me is largely influenced by whether or not I have bread.

   See a bug outside: Hi Mr Bug! See a bug inside: Die b!tch! Die!

   I can turn wine into sex.

   I used to love when my parents left little notes in my lunch box when I was a kid, like "Get an A or don't bother coming home".

   wore my mistletoe belt buckle out last night. Met a girl with a mistletoe belly button piercing.. Wedding is next month."

   Sometimes when I don't want my wife to find something, I just put it in her purse.

   Guys.... women pay attention to how you text. You think they don't notice someone who can move their fingers fast?

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   it sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice all over your fries..

   Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.

   "No one will know about your small pen*s if your ex girlfriends are all dead" is the only relationship advice I've given in the past 5 years

   When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, 'Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.'

   I don't know what the big deal is about Cinco De Mayo, Heck my Grandma can beat the French

   your outfit makes you look like a stripper. A high end stripper for governors and athletes, but a stripper nonetheless.

   Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute. Wanna workout?

   It's socially acceptable to live in somebody else's basement, but weird if you live in your own.

   I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.

   Well excuse me, I didn't know it wasn't bring a naked midget to work day