Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music

   I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.

   Easter this Sunday....The one day where I can say "I am putting all my EGGS in one basket!

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion

   How are you still single ?? - people who don't know me too well

   Hey kids, see those cool Red Bull commercials? Yeah, that ain't gonna happen...

   I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.

   Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college

   Here's a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. - 2. - 3. 4. - 5. Drinking after work

   If someone invites you hunting don't ever fall for the" put on this antler hat. It will attract deer."

   I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.

   Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat.

   Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

   U2's cabin doors opens during flight - someone got their revenge for having to listen to U2's new album in the cloud.

   Laughter is the best medicine..long as you take percocet with it

   whatever you say there's bound to be someone who gets offended

   Overview of my résumé: 1. Quick eater 2. Extensive knowledge of Parkour 3. Argumentative 4: Fired from McDonalds 5: Am I a multi tasker, (I can sneeze and pee at the same) 6: leading my Fantasy Football league..

   A TV show where it's just a bunch of really fat people, seated & trying to get their phones out of the front pockets of their jeans.