Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How are you still single ?? - people who don't know me too well

   Hey kids, see those cool Red Bull commercials? Yeah, that ain't gonna happen...

   I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.

   Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college

   Here's a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. - 2. - 3. 4. - 5. Drinking after work

   If someone invites you hunting don't ever fall for the" put on this antler hat. It will attract deer."

   I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.

   Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat.

   Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

   U2's cabin doors opens during flight - someone got their revenge for having to listen to U2's new album in the cloud.

   Laughter is the best medicine..long as you take percocet with it

   whatever you say there's bound to be someone who gets offended

   Overview of my résumé: 1. Quick eater 2. Extensive knowledge of Parkour 3. Argumentative 4: Fired from McDonalds 5: Am I a multi tasker, (I can sneeze and pee at the same) 6: leading my Fantasy Football league..

   A TV show where it's just a bunch of really fat people, seated & trying to get their phones out of the front pockets of their jeans.

   If you lost your iphone last night please let me know. Because I need that charger too

   It's like my father used to say "Go get that rock over there... I promise I won't drive away this time."

   Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't turn out, just take another shot.

   Here's a TIP: Never ask a woman what's wrong and never not ask her either.

   its funny how we all sleep differently. my roommate sleeps on their back. my ex sleeps with everyone. that sort of thing