Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.

   On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.

   i don't have a bucket list.. but my F$cket list is a mile long

   Lincoln mentioned? check...Reagan mentioned? Check. CRAP!! if Obama or Romney would of would of mentioned "Tebow" I would of had bingo on my card!

   Why isn't Hungary's capital city called "Very"

   That's right sexy fella, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the policeman "that's her"......

   I don't steal my p osts from song lyrics! Seriously. Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

   "This is America. We don't stop doing something 'cause it's wrong. We just keep doing it til it's right." - Ed Wuncler (The Boondocks)

   clearly, it is wrong to describe woman's menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.

   Now would be the best time for the Pope to make a Harlem Shake Video!

   Yesterday I had the day off, which means that today I feel more useless than the 'g' in Lasagne.

   It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.

   You say alcohol abuse, I say this alcohol is getting exactly what it deserves.

   Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.

   A waffle house is like a gas station bathroom that serves waffles.

   Define birthday :-the only day in your life.....when your mother smiled when you cried.

   Morning. Cold again outside but I don't mind cos it makes it more Christmasy. And yes that is a word.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

   HAPPY HOUR - Where the worst selling and nastiest tasting alcoholic beverages are sold for half price to a bunch of alcoholics too drunk to notice.

   Mom: What does “WTF” stand for? Child: "Well That`s Fantastic!"