Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

   You know you're getting old when the learning curve becomes a roundabout.

   TODAY I went in to have that all important "Special" check up that all men of a certain age should have, which leads me to this question; is it normal for a proctologist to have a tip jar on the examination table?

   My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   By "lol" I mean I don't give a fu&k.

   I'm proof that you don't have to be famous to make stupid decisions...

   I really dont understand why I’m still a virgin when I have never watched any Twilight Movie or bought any Justin Bieber Album in my whole life.

   Age is no guarantee of maturity.

   if I had a kid that was a Belieber I'd lock them in a room with the White Album playing until they snapped out of it

   Blind people would be a lot more exciting if they carried around swords.

   What people think of your problems: 80% don't care, 20% are glad you have them.

   I used to think a sex change is what a hooker gives you back when you pay using a 100 dollar bill.

   I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

   Do these empty pockets make me look slim?

   he songs I like always come on when I'm supposed to be getting out of my car.

   People who say "don't touch me" always get touched.

   You do not have to understand my silence but don't you dare criticize it.

   Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?

   I'm afraid your bio is writing checks that your profile pics can't cash.

   Sometimes dating somebody means help raise their self-esteem to the point where they know they can date someone better than you.