Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2529 of 6462

Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.

'tis the season to get trampled fa la la la la la la la la
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11-22-2012 12:22
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MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.

It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year

Seeing people in the grocery store and talking to them and they pretend they don't know you...well played, mom...well played.
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12-02-2012 22:05
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Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell anyone else
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07-25-2012 08:55
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Either I'm seriously drunnk or gas prices are high again.... I just got pulled over by a cop on a horse!
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07-31-2012 04:44 by jitney
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How come i'm your best friend all of a sudden when you need money? but you dont remember when I needed a ride?
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08-12-2012 11:04 by jitney
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I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.
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08-18-2012 09:56 by snotty
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After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted... The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.
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09-13-2012 12:31
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Ummmm... Turns out The Royal Family isn't So Stuffy !
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09-14-2012 16:53
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The best part of being an adult is saying "Because I can" when your kid asks "Why are you doing that?".
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09-20-2012 11:38 by Daytwin
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.
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10-01-2012 08:17 by SEAN
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You're a 90s kid if… you wore the light up shoes! Those were badass.
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10-05-2012 22:23 by BEGO
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Life is weird, first you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again..
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10-11-2012 04:21
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I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.

I realized I'm too silly for most sex things. My wife was like, "I want you to throw me around in the bedroom" , I was like, "How bout you run around and I trip you!".....I figure its safer for the both of us.
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12-23-2012 14:59 by Jitney
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I love you but I'm too lazy to show it.
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12-31-2012 04:23
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I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in january.
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01-05-2013 21:36
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I went to that "Farmer's Dating" website I saw on TV....why do all the women look like sheep??
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01-05-2013 20:03 by urboyblue
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