Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Either I'm seriously drunnk or gas prices are high again.... I just got pulled over by a cop on a horse!

   How come i'm your best friend all of a sudden when you need money? but you dont remember when I needed a ride?

   I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.

   After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted... The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.

   Ummmm... Turns out The Royal Family isn't So Stuffy !

   The best part of being an adult is saying "Because I can" when your kid asks "Why are you doing that?".

   The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.

   You're a 90s kid if… you wore the light up shoes! Those were badass.

   Life is weird, first you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again..

   I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.

   I realized I'm too silly for most sex things. My wife was like, "I want you to throw me around in the bedroom" , I was like, "How bout you run around and I trip you!".....I figure its safer for the both of us.

   I love you but I'm too lazy to show it.

   I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in january.

   I went to that "Farmer's Dating" website I saw on TV....why do all the women look like sheep??

   Today's relationships can be ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.

   My wife told me to change my kid’s diaper, but we were at a crowded playground and it was SO much easier to just change kids instead.

   wife doesn't understand the home improvement and beer monies come from the same budget

   The only footsteps I would follow are those of a landmine deactivation technician...

   kind of liking the new ads on Facebook!! said by no one...

   When a woman asks you to come over and hang out, it doesn't mean sex. She just wants to talk about every guy she's liked that isn't you.