Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone wants to wear Gucci. Not everyone wants to go out and get a job.

   There comes a time when you just look at yourself in the mirror, and say"f**k it, this is as good as it's gonna get.".

   I always feel tricked into exercise when I peel an orange.

   Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.

   I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.

   You can't judge a book by its cover. I read that on a book cover. It's like a life lesson if you really think about it.

   A Cougar travels 1500 miles from S Dakota only to get hit by a car in CT. Sounds like an episode of Real Housewives of NY!

   Impotence: Natures way of saying "No Hard Feelings!"

   Me: I'm really good at coming up with nicknames for people on the spot, mustache.

   Sheen needs one more GF, then he could have Charlies Angels....I'm Sheens new PR guy. ;)

   Last night was my first shift on our new neighborhood watch. Apparently I misunderstood the entire concept. What do first time offenders get on Peeping Tom charges?

   I'm perfectly sane. Everyone else however is insane and trying to steal my magic bag.

   People use the term "awkward conversation" like there's any other kind.

   I wish that I would get a popup for "possible virus" when I meet new girls.

   Not sure if FB will exist when I die, but if it does, please don't write on my wall after that, it will re- kill me if I can't answer all of your posts, and even worse, if I can't delete some of them.

   This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.

   A furniture for my mother in law's birthday??? Thank you honey... I think coffin just sounds right...

   The workin man blues, is being wide awake before 5am on your day off.

   Enough with the procrastination,, it's time now for excuses.

   Lady GaGa looks like tuna in a net