Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Cougar travels 1500 miles from S Dakota only to get hit by a car in CT. Sounds like an episode of Real Housewives of NY!

   Impotence: Natures way of saying "No Hard Feelings!"

   Me: I'm really good at coming up with nicknames for people on the spot, mustache.

   Sheen needs one more GF, then he could have Charlies Angels....I'm Sheens new PR guy. ;)

   Last night was my first shift on our new neighborhood watch. Apparently I misunderstood the entire concept. What do first time offenders get on Peeping Tom charges?

   I'm perfectly sane. Everyone else however is insane and trying to steal my magic bag.

   People use the term "awkward conversation" like there's any other kind.

   I wish that I would get a popup for "possible virus" when I meet new girls.

   Not sure if FB will exist when I die, but if it does, please don't write on my wall after that, it will re- kill me if I can't answer all of your posts, and even worse, if I can't delete some of them.

   This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.

   A furniture for my mother in law's birthday??? Thank you honey... I think coffin just sounds right...

   The workin man blues, is being wide awake before 5am on your day off.

   Enough with the procrastination,, it's time now for excuses.

   Lady GaGa looks like tuna in a net

   Really proud of my parallel parking job. Come see it at 4350 West Elm until 8.

   gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "Who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   been making the same mistakes for so long that I've taken to just calling them "my traditions!"

   Soon, an African child soldier will fire an M-16 while wearing a Lakers jersey with WORLD PEACE on the back.

   I'd like to thank my attorney, my plastic surgeon and my psychiatrist.

   Good friends dont let you do stupid things....alone