Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?

   Don't you just love it when someone owes you money and posts that they just bought some luxury item for themselves.

   I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.

   Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.

   Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?

   Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+

   Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.

   thinks that if you post an album titled "WeDdInG PhoToS", you are probably too young to be married.

   If I had a kid at 16 I'd get my A$$ whooped, not a TV show.

   Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never had morphine.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

   My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.

   I hate it when I buy a hamster at the pet store, and it grows huge, becomes a rapper and steals my KIA...

   Someone could get rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights. Grrr....

   I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.

   If the Zombie Apocolypse doesn't start out like the dance portion of the Thriller video I'm going to be pissed...........

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   I called my local pizza joint last night. I asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.