Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She wanted something that went from 0 to 300 in 2 secs so I got her a scale...

   amazed of how human body transforms food into sh!t...

   Wating for that moment at 12:01 am when Jesus and Ashton Kutcher pop out and tell us we all got punked...

   wondering if Harold Camping is going to stop picking random dates for the end of the world when we reach 2013 and his Mayan calender has expired

   Glad to hear Dr. Jack Kevorkian died doing what he loved... dying.

   Maybe your ex didn't take you for granted, but they sure took you for everything else.

   It's ironic that we call it "common" sense when there seems to be such a lack of it.

   You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

   The difference between a good night and a great night is waking up nude.

   How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

   Help Wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.

   this day is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter

   I think it's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.

   who ever thought that the 72 virgins would be crabs

   Don't blame me that I put so many statuses. Blame facebook who always ask me "What's on your mind" whenever I visit the wall.

   At some point, my grandmother stopped admiring how big I was getting.

   The bar was closed when I got there with a sign that said, “The door is alarmed.” I said to myself, “How do you think I feel?”

   Want to feel old? Kim Carnes of Bette Davis eyes fame turns 65 today.

   I'm going to install a horn for the back of my car for retaliatory, defensive honks.

   I think the world of you! (Polluted, poor, generally prone to disaster.)