Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean

   I'm black, but not go Walmartin' in my robe and slippers black.

   Don't worry guys, I have a plan. We can extinguish the Ferguson flames with the tears of all the Cosby victims.

   People glorify being single because you can sleep with anyone you want. In reality you can only sleep with the people who want to sleep with you. That’s a very different number.

   I don't mean to brag but I'm still single.

   My wife caught me again on the couch with my iPad & a hand towel while I was putting lotion on my feet with my pants off.

   I may lose friends. But.. People who want to BE politically correct need a red hot iron stoker stuck up their a$$es. . .

   just came back to update the status.. now going back to bed.. bye

   Televangelist Pat Robertson said the earthquake in Haiti happened because they made a pact with the devil to get rid of the French in the Haitian Revolution. Pat, please. You don't need a pact with the devil to bead the French.

   read that during his press conference today, Tiger Woods will not be taking any questions or phone numbers.

   's son left his action figures in the bathtub, and Batman is now most definitely in the wrong Batcave!

   The first cigarette I ever had I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first one," said Grandpa. "Try another one." And you know, he was right.~Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

   The rent is too damn high!!!!!

   love the smell of cap gun smoke in the morning.

   Justin Beiber has a movie coming out! What is this world coming to? We would all be better off if someone pushed him into an active volcano!

   thinks Santa should send all the naughty people Justin Bieber CDs instead of coal for Christmans

   Apparently my awesomitude outshines my kickassedness.

   going to the Playboy mansion looking for the Easter Bunny!

   Watched Justin Beiber preform tonight on Amercan Idol and realized there is one thing worse than eternal hell....being Justin Beiber's background singer!

   Knows a way to keep NFL players from acting like sissies, give them all leather helmets to wear again.