Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can this census data be relevant when it doesn't ask whether I have a Palm Pre or an iPhone?

   Hell hath no fury like a women with a nine iron.

   giving up Status Updates for lent

   I should go to bed now since I am have no food stamps and need to be at work at 6 am

   It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.

   There is no relationship I treasure more than my bond with my recliner. We go waaaayyy back!

   The only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck, it because her momma told her to enjoy the little things in life

   Happy Bella - •_• Sad Bella - •_• Excited Bella - •_• Angry Bella - •_• Shocked Bella - •_• Confused Bella - •_• - Twilight

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Damn!! My glasses fell in the toilet, now I can't see for sh!t!

   We live in a world where the police come faster if you prank call them then if you were to have a serious problem

   Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   I may not be in the NBA with Lebron, but we have the same amount of Championship rings ;)

   thumbs up if you drive til the gas light come on

   If Hillary is elected I'm moving to Benghazi .... I'm pretty sure she will ignore me there ...

   UMMM maybe we should of had stronger border restrictions

   i'm not a vegetarian but I eat animals that are

   127 Hours would have been better if immediately after he cut off his arm the rock shifted and landed on his foot.

   Too bad you can't photoshop your ugly personality.