Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".

   People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.

   Sex is the best activity in the world...whoever disagrees needs to get some.

   trying to figure out how to set my laser printer to stun

   loving that 170 lbs I lost when you left.. not only do I look better.. I dont have your extra weight to carry around!

   wants to remind you that only dead fish go with the flow

   How can this census data be relevant when it doesn't ask whether I have a Palm Pre or an iPhone?

   I should go to bed now since I am have no food stamps and need to be at work at 6 am

   It's a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone... Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

   Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.

   There is no relationship I treasure more than my bond with my recliner. We go waaaayyy back!

   The only reason why your girlfriend likes your d!ck, it because her momma told her to enjoy the little things in life

   Happy Bella - •_• Sad Bella - •_• Excited Bella - •_• Angry Bella - •_• Shocked Bella - •_• Confused Bella - •_• - Twilight

   How long should you wait for a reply from someone via text before you assume they've been murdered?

   Damn!! My glasses fell in the toilet, now I can't see for sh!t!

   We live in a world where the police come faster if you prank call them then if you were to have a serious problem

   Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   I may not be in the NBA with Lebron, but we have the same amount of Championship rings ;)

   thumbs up if you drive til the gas light come on

   If Hillary is elected I'm moving to Benghazi .... I'm pretty sure she will ignore me there ...