Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACEBOOK + CHRISTMAS = Endless status updates reminding you what month it is. Not to mention pages and pages of people's Xmas pics.

   If you watch Godzilla backwards, it's about a helpful lizard putting a city back together and leaving afterwards.

   Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.

   Quick question: does anyone know if the “five second rule” also applies to liquids?

   NASCAR tickets: $240 Parking: $12 Refreshments: $80 Being in the front row and getting to take home a piece of the car. (imbedded in your spleen): PRICELESS

   For all those gals that say, "All guys are the same": who told you to try them all..

   So you want to get married when the divorce rate is 70% and get a degree when there is no guarantee that it will actually get you a job?

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed.

   I think it would be cool to actually see a great white shark before I die, just not RIGHT before.

   Sometimes all you can say about a person is, "Bless their hearts." Southerners will understand what I'm talking about

   I can't tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela's funeral?

   Have you ever noticed that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it?

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: DELIGHT Usage: She gotta big ass but her face is trash so when we do it I gotta turnoff delight.

   Whenever I talk to Canadians, I wonder if they can tell I'm thinking, "Damn, those-hockey-loving-white-Mexicans, they got all the good beer.....".

   almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.

   If you woke up tomorrow and all you had was what you had thanked God for today, what would you have?

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.

   Face your damn problems. Don't Facebook your problems.

   i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passed out. when you wish upon a star...

   I just read the "100 things to do before you die" list.... I'm kinda surprised that "call 911" didn't make the cut.