Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's next TLC...a little person that's a 600 pound tattooed Gypsy Polygamist woman wearing the wrong clothes with a family of 63 kids risking it all to return to the Amish hording ex husband and 6 ex wives to eat cakes like a boss and buy houses naked

   Found a grey pubic hair today. I didn’t freak out too much but the others in the elevator looked terrified.

   How come the official that handles the ball on every single play didn't notice they were under inflated??

   my views on lesbian relationships? Preferably in HD.

   Why are all these liberals only going to move to Canada if Trump gets elected? What's wrong with Mexico?

   dear State Farm, the only thing worse than your commercials is your insurance...

   "What do we want?" "Hearing aids." "When do we want them?" "Hearing aids."

   Seriously B EGO. You need to stop this habit of liking the smell of your own sh*t, I mean your own p 0sts.

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Carmel covered onions. Halloween is fun.

   They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.

   When buying new sunglasses, always ask yourself, “Do these make me look like a Kardashian or a pedophile?”

   Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.

   I got all dressed for work and then remembered it's Wednesday and I don't have a job.

   It's funny how many streets are named for the kind of trees chopped down to pave them.

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   Even if oil prices go down, I’m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor’s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he’s an a&shole.

   I saw a faded sign at the sign of the road. However there was no mention of a love shack.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe

   I'm going to start referring to babies as "crypods"

   Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.