Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   what ever happened to blues clues? did that dog die

   If you ask for my opinion, don't get upset when I give it to you.

   If I ever become epileptic, I'm going to get a tattoo that reads Carpe Diem....for the irony....

   The hardest part of letting go of someone you love... is the splat when they hit the ground.

   Dear Diary: Facebook has replaced you.

   u have twitter?-yes- facebook? -yes- tumblr? -yes- blog?-of course- life? I opened an account but I don't really use it!.

   Apparently this is the letter “v” in Chinese: 维 Lets see American geese try to fly in that shape.

   I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

   A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center to take antidotes known

   Google became a teenager today, so prepare yourself for it to become unreliable, moody, and unresponsive to your questions. Happy 13th BDay Google

   Hey I like how you do your makeup! Really? Thanks :) Ya do you just dip your face in or use a brush?

   Ashton Kutcher replaces Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.......Sheen's no longer winning is he?

   Alcohol, explosives, rednecks, and cops.......hmmm anyone else feeling a country song coming on???

   If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.

   Normally my dog opens the door with his face, tonight he sat and looked up at me when we got to the door. So I opened it with my face, I can see now why he's not a fan of this method.

   Todd Harrell, The bassist for rock band 3 Doors Down has been charged with vehicular homicide by intoxication after he was involved in a crash that killed another driver. Sources say he will be starting a new band called, 3 Cells Down.

   internet ad: "are you tired of jerking off?" no

   UGHhhh,, Spelling errors agrevated me SO much,,,, Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined

   Tonight, I'm gonna party like I have $19.99.