Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is breaking up with me because of my masturbation addiction… Boy do I feel like a big jerk.

   Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?

   Dating tip: Never let your girlfriend know you’re good at something you hate doing.

   One man's women crush Wednesday is another man's throw back Thursday.

   I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.

   My real superpower is guessing the weight of your emotional baggage.... HINT: It's more than you think

   what I do when I black out is none of my business.

   Put eyelashes on your car headlights so everyone knows you're out of your mind.

   Sober me will always have your back….Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn f*cking a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

   If Bruce Jenner can win Woman of the Year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby. Giddy up!!!

   America is so progressive that 8 years after electing their first black President, it's going to elect it's first orange one. I guess Netflix is right, Orange is the New Black.

   Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.

   Enters gynecologist's exam room wearing a lab coat and giant foam finger

   DENTIST: OK, open up.... Me: Well, I guess it all started when my dad left... DENTIST: No, I mean.... DENTAL ASSISTANT: Wait Bob, Let him finish

   "The Carpet Exchange" is not where lesbian swingers meet.

   California has the highest rate of Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   You know if you roll down fast and steady enough, it gives the illusion of electric windows.

   There is no place like home unless you are homeless...

   I just lost my self respect at the Golden Corral.

   You know those packets that come in beef jerky to keep it fresh? I just ate one... And it wasnt half bad..