Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you gotta have a Jimmy Carter before you can have a Ronald Reagan.

   Warning: Spelling errors in this message are the product of a poor school system. Pay teachures more than athletes.

   Watching golf is like watching paint dry....

   When someone yells "Shotgun!" I yell "Rosa Parks!" sit down and refuse to move.

   Justin Beiber always sings about girls, she must be a lesbian

   The only thing you can believe from CNN, MS-NBC, ABC, CBS, NBC and WaPo that resembles accurate and factual reporting are yesterday's sports scores.

   How about you take a knee and protest the next time you get stopped by the police rather than running or fighting

   The fatter the chick, the bigger the psycho.

   Melania Trump got nothing compared to the plaguerism that has been happening here

   I like turtles because they're so chill- They're just like: "Hey man, I want to swim, & maybe eat some lettuce. But I'm gonna take my time.

   now when you go to a restaurant & say "im so hungry I could eat a horse" it might actually be on the menu

   Do something awesome, no one sees it. Do something embarrassing, everyone sees it.

   People who don't like bacon can never be trusted.

   If you don't believe that Love is Blind. Look at Howard Wolowitz and Bernadette Rostenkowski.

   Since I cant afford the gas to go on vacation anytime soon, I'm gonna drink until I dont know where I am!

   I always wonder what things went horribly wrong in someone's life that led them to buy a hotdog at 7-11.

   (-.-) <--- this is my surprised face when I read about Kim's divorce.

   911 gets a call from a blonde saying MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! the operator says calm down ma'am,how do we get to your house.the blonde says on your big red truck!

   Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

   Sometimes pissing with morning wood is harder than solving a Rubik's cube.