Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!

   Honestly, I love every single some of you.

   I stick my leg out of my covers when its hot, but then I feel unprotected.

   don't you hate it when you miss a call by the last ring, but when you immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail? What did the person do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

   If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.

   Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.

   Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.

   To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.

   I bet Harold Camping's church service Sunday was pretty awkward.

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.

   Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.

   Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!

   Man Fact: Even if a Man notices that another Man's fly is down, he will Never tell him out of fear of the follow-up question, "Why are you looking there?"....