Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking back on my childhood....I'm sure Daffy Duck was on that drug "Charlie Sheen".

   Note to self...apparently management doesn't find the game of hide-and-go-seek as amusing as I do....which sucks 'cus I had an awesome hiding spot.

   Do kleptomaniacs take medicine for their condition or do they pay for it?

   on your mind at this very moment

   How do Mexicans take a family portrait?They all jam into the front seat and run a red light.

   they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

   in court her imaginary friend filed a restraining order against her

   Trump could have easily discovered the theory of relatively, on his own, if Einstein didn't do it first because Trump has the greatest scientific mind ever. He's better than Jesus Christ himself.

   Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.

   I have 14 friends that liked Lil Wayne. I should delete you all.

   You were a straight-A student, on the honor roll, well-behaved all throughout your school years.......Now today you're wondering why you're unemployed and struggling. Do you still believe in the system "they" taught you since you were a child??

   Hey? Islamis radicals..if your God tells you to kill people..please start with your self. Thanks real Americans!!

   has just got back from the future...........You wouldn't believe how many blades they have on razors!

   a fart is merely the cry of an imprisoned turd

   Obama comes out smelling like a rose either way with the fiscal cliff thing. If it passes, he takes credit and if it doesn't, he'll just blame the Republicans

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.

   #Tebow will be the first person in history to leave the mile-high club a virgin.

   Bacon pie crust. Does that exist? Because if it doesn't I think I'm going to be a millionaire.

   In the Czech Republic abortions are known as cancelled Czechs

   ‎- My missus was so sick this morning........That I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast....