Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should change the name from "Girls Gone Wild" to "Girls Got Drunk!!!"

   It may be surprising to know that hippos are the cause of more deaths in the wild than any other animal, but you can't say you weren't warned just how hungry they were.

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest of us just don't think it's a problem.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   Go ahead, try and hang them with care and see if that holds. I'm hanging my stockings with tacks this year.

   I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet.

   I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...Then we can be NEW friends!!

   Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

   You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back

   now officaly talking to Himself but somehow I hear a busy signal in my ears. I wonder if I can get Call Waiting????? Wait.... maybe it's better I don't answer myself...

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.

   The Falcons won the popular Vote!

   Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.

   Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?

   The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"

   All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.

   Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.