Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keeps a lighter in my back pocket at all times. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.

   No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy

   Wedding Rings... The world's smallest handcuffs!

   Just remember...when you're sitting down praying to be someone else, someone else is praying to be you.

   How do you tell a girl you like her? Break into her house and write it on the walls in your own blood. Like any normal person would.

   Switzerland's economy was ranked #1 by the World Economic Forum while the U.S. fell to #5.....I guess those little Swiss army knives must be selling like hotcakes! ツ

   Just ordered a chicken and an egg off of amazon to see which comes first. I'll keep you posted

   They don't seem to be tearing down MLK statues.

   Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."

   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster

   "OMG your fake tan looks so good!" LOL JK, it looks like you got raped by an orange

   Dear Santa, I've been a naughty girl all year long, and it was worth it you judgemental fat ba$tard!

   Why didn't God use the same anchoring system for head hair as he did for nose hair?

   Wants to thank everybody for the Birthday wishes...I am now going to start acting my age and settle in for a "Golden Girls/Matlock/ Murder She Wrote' Marathon and tell all of the neighborhood kids to get the hell off of my lawn!

   reminding you that Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   the next time someone says nothing is impossible tell them to try and dribble a football.

   Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

   If they took all porn from the internet,all that would remain is a Facebook group called " Bring the Porn Back!"

   says: "some girls are made of sugar and spice. MY GIRLS ARE MADE OF VODKA AND ICE!!"

   Waking up with morning wood is normal, but trying to piss with morning wood is an adventure.