Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
you know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed 
My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Everytime a women Posts a status a mans breakfast,lunch,or dinner is late.
keeps a lighter in my back pocket at all times. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.
No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy
Wedding Rings... The world's smallest handcuffs!
Just remember...when you're sitting down praying to be someone else, someone else is praying to be you.
How do you tell a girl you like her? Break into her house and write it on the walls in your own blood. Like any normal person would.
Switzerland's economy was ranked #1 by the World Economic Forum while the U.S. fell to #5.....I guess those little Swiss army knives must be selling like hotcakes! ツ
Just ordered a chicken and an egg off of amazon to see which comes first. I'll keep you posted
They don't seem to be tearing down MLK statues.
Hi spider. Nice spider.... Let me pet you, WITH MY SHOE!.... Haha spider,,, Dead spider..."
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster
"OMG your fake tan looks so good!" LOL JK, it looks like you got raped by an orange
Dear Santa, I've been a naughty girl all year long, and it was worth it you judgemental fat ba$tard!
Why didn't God use the same anchoring system for head hair as he did for nose hair?
Wants to thank everybody for the Birthday wishes...I am now going to start acting my age and settle in for a "Golden Girls/Matlock/ Murder She Wrote' Marathon and tell all of the neighborhood kids to get the hell off of my lawn!
Waking up with morning wood is normal, but trying to piss with morning wood is an adventure.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. 