Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎9/11 is a perfect example of why we can't pretend airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars :P

   he thought he a chigger bite on his leg. I had to correct him and tell him they prefer to be called chegros now......

   Do you think when a clown climaxes, he shoots out silly string?

   If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say fire at will?

   I love the stick figure family's on your car windows they let me know how many garbage bags to bring to the murder.

   BREAKING: Sarah Jessica Parker has posed nude for Playboy - Millions of erections are feared dead.

   How many Mexicans does it take to build a.........oh shi*, they're done.

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   NEWS: Lady Gaga to do naked skydive for charity. You've got to admire her balls.

   How did Mexico beat the us? All thier players live here..

   So what America didnt win the world cup..We still got "Two Girls One Cup"....

   Sick of all the iPhone ads? There's an app for that.

   Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF

   New gay sitcom: "Leave it, it's beaver."

   "It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," said the heart.

   Do Obama phones immediately quit working if the government shuts down? Asking for a friend......

   you know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed

   My friend was upset that he lost out on a promotion at work to an attractive older woman. I told him not to cry over skilled MILF.

   I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.

   Everytime a women Posts a status a mans breakfast,lunch,or dinner is late.