Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm sorry I didn't hear you, I was stretching. I go deaf when I stretch

   learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros..sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess

   Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside

   Big sunglasses are an ugly girl's best friend.

   I asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. F*ck you, Def Leppard.

   Happy Birthday to one of my ex girlfriends. I can't remember which one, but I know one of you has a birthday today.

   If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?

   Watching Conan O'Brian and thinking he should hire some of us as staff writers.

   You know ur up too early when someone tells you "Good morning" and all you can do is think "if this mo fo says one more thing to me I'm gonna stab them in the neck with a pencil".....

   Forgiveness = revenge completed!

   It was reported in the News recently that a former member of the KKK has volunteered to help clean and restore the Gulf. He vows to have the beaches white again in no time.

   Geez, 2010 already, Osama must be the world champion of Hide and Seek

   thinks is aboot time we did something aboot immigration reform, I think it's time for a fence...for me Justin Bieber was the final straw! Stop Canadians from crossing the border!

   "Avatar"... returns to theaters this week, with 9 mins added to the movie. These additional minutes r very important. They explain how the blue ppl got that way by cross-breeding with Smurfs...

   Tom Steyer needs to be taken out and shot, resuscitated, and shot again.

   I'm Voting for the Presidential candidate not under FBI investigation.

   Bill Cosby tried to rape my cat about 50 years ago, I just remembered.

   Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.

   Opportunity only knocks once. If there's any more than that, it's prolly a Jehovah's Witness ツ

   Two red blood cells met and fell in love. But alas,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, it was in vein.