Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Cheshire Cat grin on Hillary's face during the debate was her surprise reaction to still being able to remain standing up for 90 minutes.

   Privilege is having multiple national organizations promoting and protecting your race, all of which are subsidized by federal tax dollars.

   Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic

   Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

   When a girl gives me a hug, my hands envy my chest.

   The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny

   Im hiring a midget for a party. Any idea what they eat?

   so awesome that "The Most Interesting Man in The World" is jealous.

   This Girl At The Office Keeps Trying To Get Me Fired, She Keeps Saying I'm Giving Her Innapropiate Massages At The Work Place, Well I Say Goodluck Sweetheart I Don't Even Work Here

   home alone and just herd a noise, he is now in ninja mode...

   Out of all the fish in the sea, your the only one I want to mount..

   Donald Duck.. never wears pants in his entire life.. but when it gets out of the shower, it comes with a towel wrapped around the waist.. I mean.. what is that about?"

   wants you to know that Alcohol is Never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is "What is C2H5OH?"

   If you try to pronounce "lmao" you sound like a French cat.

   I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

   I am bored .Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on .

   Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...

   Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life... geesh

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both might be alive today.