Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny

   When a girl gives me a hug, my hands envy my chest.

   When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that's mad.

   Im hiring a midget for a party. Any idea what they eat?

   so awesome that "The Most Interesting Man in The World" is jealous.

   This Girl At The Office Keeps Trying To Get Me Fired, She Keeps Saying I'm Giving Her Innapropiate Massages At The Work Place, Well I Say Goodluck Sweetheart I Don't Even Work Here

   home alone and just herd a noise, he is now in ninja mode...

   Out of all the fish in the sea, your the only one I want to mount..

   Donald Duck.. never wears pants in his entire life.. but when it gets out of the shower, it comes with a towel wrapped around the waist.. I mean.. what is that about?"

   wants you to know that Alcohol is Never the answer. Unless, of course, the question is "What is C2H5OH?"

   If you try to pronounce "lmao" you sound like a French cat.

   I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...

   I am bored .Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on .

   Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of my wifes feminine hygiene products fell out on me. it was a Tampede...

   Yes, you can lead a horse to water but you can also bring the water to him. Maybe do something nice for someone else for once in your life... geesh

   At Olive Garden, request a table for one, last name Birthday. When your tables ready they say "Birthday party for 1".... Then just cry.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both might be alive today.

   We could learn from crayons. Some are sharp, some dull, some pretty, some have weird names, and all are different colours... but they all live in the same box.

   It's better Casey Anthony is found not guilty. Let her try and survive amongst the public.

   My girl says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.