Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To drink or not to drink would be a stupid f*cking question! Cheers motherf*ckers!

   Taking my car to get fixed today. I don't need a bunch of little car mouths to feed!

   whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   If someone throws Skittles at you and yells "taste the rainbow" run them over with your car and yell "Nationwide is on your side!"

   I don't hate you, I never could. I don't regret meeting you, I never will. But I do regret our relationship. It destroyed our friendship!

   OK Guys, you'restuck in bed between the most beautiful girl in the world and a gay guy. Who do you turn your back to?

   Autocorrect can kiss my ask!

   Newly Married Husband Saved His Wife's Number On Cell As, "MY LIFE"... After 1 Year: "MY WIFE" After 5 Years: "HOME" After 10 Years: "HITLER" & ...After 25TH Anniversary: "Wrong Number"...:D

   The term 'Islamophobia' is as silly as 'Naziphobia'. Phobia means irrational fear, my fear of Islam is not irrational- -Anna Doe

   I gotta be honest....unless the Ghostbusters "reboot" (starring all women) is going to have them topless with proton packs...I am just not interested.

   Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.

   Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   If v-a-g-i-n-a-s weren't meant to be kissed, they wouldn't have lips.

   So apparently North Korea is threatening war on the US over a Seth Rogen film in which Kim Jong-un is assassinated. Maybe someone should tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian...

   Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.

   would have brought sexy back but I lost the receipt

   according to the color of my pee, I had a great night last night!

   A "Duck Dynasty" musical is in the works. It's predicted to be very popular with fans of "Duck Dynasty" who also love musical theater. In other words, nobody. Actors who audition should be proficient in singing, dancing, and hiding their sexual orientatio

   "Girls night out" is the best way to say "No one wants to date me."

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends..... Seriously it's not rocket science people!