Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at church when the devil tapped me on the shoulder. He goes, "Aren't you scared?" I said, "No." He said, "Why not?" I go, "I'm married to your sister."

   I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

   I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

   Manti Te'o wasnt missing tackles in the National Championship, he was hugging his girlfriend.

   If Hillary is elected president I am moving to Canada. . .

   To drink or not to drink would be a stupid f*cking question! Cheers motherf*ckers!

   Taking my car to get fixed today. I don't need a bunch of little car mouths to feed!

   whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   If someone throws Skittles at you and yells "taste the rainbow" run them over with your car and yell "Nationwide is on your side!"

   I don't hate you, I never could. I don't regret meeting you, I never will. But I do regret our relationship. It destroyed our friendship!

   OK Guys, you'restuck in bed between the most beautiful girl in the world and a gay guy. Who do you turn your back to?

   Autocorrect can kiss my ask!

   Newly Married Husband Saved His Wife's Number On Cell As, "MY LIFE"... After 1 Year: "MY WIFE" After 5 Years: "HOME" After 10 Years: "HITLER" & ...After 25TH Anniversary: "Wrong Number"...:D

   The term 'Islamophobia' is as silly as 'Naziphobia'. Phobia means irrational fear, my fear of Islam is not irrational- -Anna Doe

   I gotta be honest....unless the Ghostbusters "reboot" (starring all women) is going to have them topless with proton packs...I am just not interested.

   Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.

   Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   If v-a-g-i-n-a-s weren't meant to be kissed, they wouldn't have lips.

   So apparently North Korea is threatening war on the US over a Seth Rogen film in which Kim Jong-un is assassinated. Maybe someone should tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian...

   Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.