Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   Q: What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.

   Does the Charmin commercials with the dancing cartoon bears freak anyone else out?

   Does this status make my wall look big..

   Well... it finally happened. I got a notice that I am being sued by Metallica for $1.3M not paying for their music... I never pirated their music... but I never bought an album either, so I guess that's the complaint.

   Update on my diet....its December and so far this year I've lost 12 months!! I would like to thank the website I found that allows me to purchase Cadbury mini eggs year round!!

   Sometimes you just gotta say "What is your major malfunction numb-nuts?"

   Holly sh*t!! Thankfully I did not invest in the stock market. I took the $2.47 I made last week and invested it all in candy.........

   I just cut a coupon for Adderall off the back of a box of Lucky Charms.

   If you get any dumber, you might wanna put your helmet on.

   Most memorable quote by a mother: "Waldo, just where the hell have you been?"

   Who drinks only one beer? Mrs. Bud Light needs a companion in my belly and she likes to speed date.

   If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog crap in my yard.

   taking off the 'friends' on facebook that have never liked my status . If you can't show in public that you don't agree with me on anything, well what kind of 'friend' are you ?!

   By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my a$$!

   I washed my car today, just so the birds could have a clean place to $hit...

   Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Worse: With corrections

   TIPS FOR SUCCESS WITH WOMEN: (1) Don't be ugly. Should you be Ugly, Dont be Broke!

   For those men who don't pee in the shower, I SALUTE you!!