Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Condoms are cheaper than diapers, remember that:)

   When is it a good time to mention that St. Patrick was born in Britain and kidnapped by Irish raiders and taken captive to Ireland as a slave? Not today then?

   Wait,, there's a "pro-anorexia" community? That's a thing?.. Oh,, I bet they have the worst luncheons ever.

   Toilet paper and my iPhone have a lot in common... both are essential when I take a s$it.

   So I heard Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are dating, Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

   The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...

   The tampon aisle... also known as No Man's Land.

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download money ;)

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   How come you can't get toothpaste to stay on the brush but you have to use a putty knife to get it out of the sink?

   Like if you havent given one thought to our Presidents, just the day off.

   Last night when I was drunk I asked my cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"

   While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

   What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

   Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.I nearly choked on my latte.

   I have restless leg syndrome and may not be able to stop myself from kicking your ass!

   Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.

   Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Facebook.

   A recent survey has said that 29% of pet owners sleep with their pets on the bed......... I tried it once, poor goldfish died :/

   I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.