Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I heard Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are dating, Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

   The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...

   The tampon aisle... also known as No Man's Land.

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download money ;)

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   How come you can't get toothpaste to stay on the brush but you have to use a putty knife to get it out of the sink?

   Like if you havent given one thought to our Presidents, just the day off.

   Last night when I was drunk I asked my cat if it could talk, it replied! "Me? How?"

   While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

   What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

   Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.I nearly choked on my latte.

   I have restless leg syndrome and may not be able to stop myself from kicking your ass!

   Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.

   Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Facebook.

   A recent survey has said that 29% of pet owners sleep with their pets on the bed......... I tried it once, poor goldfish died :/

   I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   turns out I don't know the back of my hand as well as I thought I did.

   Working on my hurricane prep list. Heineken's, Cigarette's, Red Cross phone number. All done!

   I shaved my right leg, just to feel i'm sleeping next to you :) j.G