Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   heard Barack Obama is demanding to see Donald Trump's death certificate.

   What jackass put up the saints and field goal posts comment??? The Saints scored the most points in the NFL this year. Very smart fan!!

   I'll celebrate Cinco de Mayo when Mexico celebrates the Fourth of July!

   Why the outrage over Romney's misspelling of "America?" For gosh sake, his parents didn't know how to spell "Matt."

   I always cry after sex. God, I hate prison!

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates children just as much as you do.

   Even at 50 years old, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though ツ

   Congratulations Kanye for setting your daughter up to be teased with corny pickup lines all throughtout her school years. "Hey North West, wanna switch directions and go down on the "dirty south" with me?"

   Every time someone tells me “you have a good handshake.” I reply with “you can thank my pen*s for that.”

   Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.

   Nelson Mandela is dead. he has done some simply stunning things in his lifetime, my favorite was his performance as Red in Shawshank Redemption.

   I can't believe that it's almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don’t know how to turn on the dish washer. I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick

   Word has it that the virgins in paradise have had enough! They ask, "What did we do to be stuck with these filthy, smelly, violent, brain-damaged jihadists?"

   Don't make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: "Having a great time wish you were her."

   I have to say... to lie about taking steroids as long as Lance Armstrong did sure takes a lot of ball.

   you may have some pretty big muscles but my vajay is the most powerful thing in this room right now

   Dear Vancouver: Don't riot because the Stanley Cup Champions aren't Canadians. Riot because Nickelback are Canadians....

   Ladies, please for god's sake, there is a big difference between your diary entries and Facebook status updates. We really dont need to be informed about your period, your abortions or that STD you caught over the weekend. Keep that sh*t to yourself.

   I wonder if mermaids ever smoke seaweed?