Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   Hey blockbuster..theres netflix now we don't need you ...thats what you get for having late charges see yah welcome to the future.!!

   I blew up my air mattress and now it's asking for a cigarette.

   Mancode violation 83970138- No matter how much of 70's baby or 80's kid you may be, man shall not sing Girls just wanna have fun by Cyndi Lauper

   Lil Wayne = 5% black. 95% tattoos.!!

   Girls put lots of makeup on....cream..lip gloss...get hair and nails done. Guy's look at them and say,Wow, nice @SS

   I asked what she wanted and she said "surprise me". So I did her sister.

   Yo Momma is so fat, that when she sat on the iPhone she created the iPad.

   "I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."

   A wise man once said: You can't be old & wise, if you were never young & crazy.

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   thinking about going over to Walmart and showing off my teeth.

   I could be the next American Idol!! If they could just let me bring my shower on stage...

   My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

   Strange how people will judge stories like Tony Stewart, but try their damnedest to get out of jury duty...interesting.

   Women may never understand the enjoyment from putting a warm coffee mug between their legs in the morning. ‪#‎warmnuts

   I'll stop being creepy when you stop sending me telepathic messages that you secretly want me.

   I hate when you’re having sex and after an hour or so, you realize it’s only been 32 seconds.

   Thanks, commercials. Thanks to you, handing my wife a Snickers has become a "statement."