Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Logs onto FaceBook and reads* 5 song lyrics, 2 people telling what they're doing right then at that very moment, 3 stupid pictures of food or funny faces, 4 attempts at a witty remark, 1 truly funny witty remark, and a person who likes 75 pages.

   The only Christmas movie I can even remotely relate to is "Bad Santa." And you damn right I want some sandwiches.

   Me: Wow everything seems right for once. Life: Hold on let me f*ck it up.

   I called out my wife's name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won't do that again.

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   Hey blockbuster..theres netflix now we don't need you ...thats what you get for having late charges see yah welcome to the future.!!

   I blew up my air mattress and now it's asking for a cigarette.

   Mancode violation 83970138- No matter how much of 70's baby or 80's kid you may be, man shall not sing Girls just wanna have fun by Cyndi Lauper

   Lil Wayne = 5% black. 95% tattoos.!!

   Girls put lots of makeup on....cream..lip gloss...get hair and nails done. Guy's look at them and say,Wow, nice @SS

   I asked what she wanted and she said "surprise me". So I did her sister.

   Yo Momma is so fat, that when she sat on the iPhone she created the iPad.

   "I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."

   A wise man once said: You can't be old & wise, if you were never young & crazy.

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   thinking about going over to Walmart and showing off my teeth.

   I could be the next American Idol!! If they could just let me bring my shower on stage...

   My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.

   Strange how people will judge stories like Tony Stewart, but try their damnedest to get out of jury duty...interesting.