Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I end a sentence with "Just Sayin" what I really mean to say is "Fu%k off, I'm right." ...just sayin.

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

   My signature dance move is trying to unstick my balls from my leg.

   Do people with cats not know about dogs?

   No thanks 5 Hour Energy drink. Work is 8 hours, I'll just stick to cocaine.

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.

   When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park.

   I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at the bottom of the ocean?

   Those saying what a great guy Jovan Belcher was seem to overlook he just killed his baby's mother!!

   I don't cuddle after sex because cuddling strangers is gross.

   It's always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government

   Nothing says disappointment like when the black family loses on family feud .....

   Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

   Wow. The people of Egypt are really going nuts over this Zimmerman trial..

   i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

   it OK if I abbreviate Oklahoma?

   loves to read status updates like "I'm really bored" and "I'm at work right now". Good stuff. Keep me posted...thanks!

   My catholic priest molested your honor roll student.

   If we can afford to have armed guard for our money at the banks, surely we can afford to have armed guards for our kids at schools. Where are your priorities people?