Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so good in bed that my privates were promoted straight to generals.

   it just me....but when I am trying to insert a straw into a Capri Sun I feel like I am trying to start an IV.

   I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.

   When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.

   When I end a sentence with "Just Sayin" what I really mean to say is "Fu%k off, I'm right." ...just sayin.

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

   My signature dance move is trying to unstick my balls from my leg.

   Do people with cats not know about dogs?

   No thanks 5 Hour Energy drink. Work is 8 hours, I'll just stick to cocaine.

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to dogs.

   When I first saw rednecks using the self check out at Wal Mart, it was like seeing velociraptors open doors in Jurassic Park.

   I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at the bottom of the ocean?

   Those saying what a great guy Jovan Belcher was seem to overlook he just killed his baby's mother!!

   I don't cuddle after sex because cuddling strangers is gross.

   It's always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government

   Nothing says disappointment like when the black family loses on family feud .....

   Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

   Wow. The people of Egypt are really going nuts over this Zimmerman trial..

   i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good