Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab that they say looks just like a strawberry, and by "marine biologists," I mean two guys on mushrooms.

   It's Groundhog Day. But enough about the school menu.

   Party every day that begins with the letter T. Tuesday and Thursday? Nah, TODAY and TOMMOROW! :)

   ..wonders why is there a man in the bottom corner of her TV playing charades?

   You ever seen somebody so damn ugly the government should transfer their birthday to Halloween??....Yeah, me too.

   In the past seven days, 1 friend of mine gave birth, 1 buried his father, 1 buried her brother, 1 died, 1 got divorced, 2 got married, 1 quit his job, 1 got fired and 6 celebrated birthdays. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm f*cking exhausted.

   I finally got around to reading the story of the headless horseman.Up until now I always thought the story was about a horse rider that couldn't get a erection.

   They say money can't buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.

   Am I the only one that doesn't get that "2 iPhones walk in a bar" joke?

   I shave my pubic hair for the same reason I don't put garnishes on food. It's not polite to make people push things aside to keep on eating.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   I went to a Mechanic when my car started making these awful noises but it just turned out to be Nickelback playing on the radio.

   Why do they have a beauty section at Walmart?

   Ladies......I am rebound material!

   Already heard that Whitney is dead.. apparently 47 seconds before my friends with 3G service...

   GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.

   I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.

   Hi. I'm a c**k blocker. Why? 'Cause my friends are all hot and I'm a tub of lard with tattoos everywhere and all kinds of metal s**t in my face.

   Feed the homeless to the hungry. Two problems solved.

   When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Did not forward an email to ten friends,"