Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Taiwan, marine biologists have discovered a crab that they say looks just like a strawberry, and by "marine biologists," I mean two guys on mushrooms.

   It's Groundhog Day. But enough about the school menu.

   Party every day that begins with the letter T. Tuesday and Thursday? Nah, TODAY and TOMMOROW! :)

   They say money can't buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.

   Am I the only one that doesn't get that "2 iPhones walk in a bar" joke?

   I shave my pubic hair for the same reason I don't put garnishes on food. It's not polite to make people push things aside to keep on eating.

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   I went to a Mechanic when my car started making these awful noises but it just turned out to be Nickelback playing on the radio.

   Why do they have a beauty section at Walmart?

   Ladies......I am rebound material!

   Already heard that Whitney is dead.. apparently 47 seconds before my friends with 3G service...

   GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.

   I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.

   Hi. I'm a c**k blocker. Why? 'Cause my friends are all hot and I'm a tub of lard with tattoos everywhere and all kinds of metal s**t in my face.

   Feed the homeless to the hungry. Two problems solved.

   When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Did not forward an email to ten friends,"

   I'm so good in bed that my privates were promoted straight to generals.

   it just me....but when I am trying to insert a straw into a Capri Sun I feel like I am trying to start an IV.

   I'm "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start" years old.

   When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.