Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Best Relationship Advice: Make Sure You're the Crazy One...

   When is it a good time to mention the Easter holiday tradition of eggs and bunny rabbits are pagan fertility symbols and the words Easter, Easter Bunny, or Easter Egg appear nowhere in the Bible? Not this weekend then?.....

   condoms please; --need a bag?; --no need, this time she's not that ugly

   Happy Birthday Girlfrien. I didn't put the D because you'll get that later.

   Nicki Minaj being a judge on American Idol is like Taylor Swift giving relationship advice.

   For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

   Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"

   What's with everybody jumping on this KONY 2012 bandwagon? You know what...I'll care about Africa's problems when there aren't any starving kids in AMERICA. When citizens in my own country aren't homeless, hungry, or unemployed.

   Mexico can never get an Olympic team together... anybody who can run, swim or jump is already in the States.

   - Video Games don't make children violent. Lag does.

   I couldn't reach my oil filter... so I took out the entire engine.

   just turned on cartoon network to watch spongebob squarepants, but the screen was all black........Guessing its oil

   Dear Vegetarians, you're not doing us any favors, all your doing is eating our food supply. Sincerely, Starving Animals.

   I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some cheese, salami, bacon, & lettuce... I'm calling it the "5 Hour Footlong."

   If Trump said he loves kittens, the Washington Post headline would be: Trump hates puppies...

   I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright

   People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   Dear Slut, Maybe if you closed your legs and opened your heart you might actually find true love and know happiness.

   If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.

   If you can't stay faithful, dont be in a relationship.. simple!