Funny Status Messages
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Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation. 
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.
If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.
In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.
I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".
Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.
I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people
I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.
I think if my rich neighbor realized just how awesome of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.
It's annoying when you think of an awesome idea or thing to do and within the next few minutes, you completely forget what it was, but the memory of how awesome it was still lingers.
1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
Dad please dont mess my hair up and say 'love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now
Today I went to work w/my clothes inside out and had chocolate pudding and popcorn for dinner. Wife has been gone ONE DAY & I am a toddler.
Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing
For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Girls, there is a FINE line between wearing makeup and looking like you just got gang-banged by crayola. 