Funny Status Messages
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Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t. 
I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people
I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.
Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window
I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.
If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.
In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.
I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".
I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”
Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Need this election to be over so I can focus on holiday anxiety.
I am a very tolerant person until you think differently than me. Then I act like a spoiled little brat.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone's cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
If I've learned anything from social media, it's that we live on a planet that's disproportionately filled with inhabitants in possession of single digit IQ's.
I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure 