Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.

   If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.

   I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ

   Ladies, the knight with the shiniest armour has done the least amount of brave or cool sh*t.

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   Wyclef Jean is running for President of Haiti. He should pledge to make Lauryn Hill his Secretary of Miseducation.

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   If I come into work really early, each time I say "Hi" to whoever is there all I'm really doing is gathering witnesses to justify my early departure.

   In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.

   I wasn't going to let my son sign up for soccer, then I remembered something very important... "Soccer Mom's".

   Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

   LinkedIn Bans P rostitutes And E scorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?

   In honor of Father's Day, I came up with a bourbon and cookie diet that is going to make me so rich... And fat... And drunk... Well, at least two of those