Funny Status Messages
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Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles. 
I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.
I had this one night stand a few weeks ago but I wasn't satisfied with the craftsmanship so I returned it and got a bedside table instead...
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.
Fact: Tan cellulite looks better than pale cellulite.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them
To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought "You know, I bet we could make some kind of hot drink out of these things!", I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH! :)
I'm sick of the cold. I'm ready to complain about it being too hot.
Why does it take less than a minute to pay online and more than 10 days for the refund ??
The Walk Of Shame: When you toss a paper ball in the trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don't know where to start
the difference between your mind and heart; your mind tells you what the smart thing is to do.. and your heart tells you what you're gonna do anyway.
I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
Captains log,Stardate 3.1415926535 I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today
$3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo.
It's not that I'm immature, it's just that you started it.
I hate it when someone text me to call them, then when you call they never answer 