Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

   My bed isn't feeling well this morning...so I'm staying home to take care of it.

   Describing yourself as a "morning person" translates to me that you are a fu$king as$hole.

   "Where the streets have no name"...That,, my little ones, is probably why they still haven't found what they're looking for.

   Those picky people on house hunters..should be shot at the end of the show..!

   Reportedly, there are many trucking jobs that no one wants. Attn trucking Industry: make trucking more like the battle at the end of Mad Max II.

   Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans. 

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   I do an awesome job of playing hard to want.

   Misery loves company. But only if the company is good looking. And brings booze.

   I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.

   I'm 14-0 in fights vs. the elderly

   going to watch the Mars Rover landing tonigt just to find out if chicks really have 3 boobs there.

   I could never find it in my heart to kill another person, but I've entertained the thought of dancing on a grave or two.

   Entertain me with your boredom

   3. That's how many times you have to ask someone if they're grumpy before they get grumpy.

   Everyone is addicted to something that takes away the pain.

   I love people who gossip behind my back... that's just where they belong, behind ME!

   That which does not kill you, disappoints me.

   Your opinion does not require anyone else's to be valid...