Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   I do an awesome job of playing hard to want.

   Misery loves company. But only if the company is good looking. And brings booze.

   I live in constant fear of accidentally mentioning something I only know about you because I've stalked you on the internet.

   I'm 14-0 in fights vs. the elderly

   going to watch the Mars Rover landing tonigt just to find out if chicks really have 3 boobs there.

   I could never find it in my heart to kill another person, but I've entertained the thought of dancing on a grave or two.

   Entertain me with your boredom

   3. That's how many times you have to ask someone if they're grumpy before they get grumpy.

   Everyone is addicted to something that takes away the pain.

   I love people who gossip behind my back... that's just where they belong, behind ME!

   That which does not kill you, disappoints me.

   Your opinion does not require anyone else's to be valid...

   The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don't run.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   Foreplay was designed by woman to give us one last chance to decide if you're actually worth sleeping with.

   I reek of alcohol and poor judgement according to the unknown DNA on the left side of my face.

   I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

   My superpower is waking up more tired than before I slept.

   If "it's what is on the inside that matters" then why do they sell so much make-up?