Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I hear a strange noise at night, I mentally prepare to fight off an intruder. If it's a velociraptor, I'm also totally ready.

   Ahhhhhhhh, those carefree days of yore when we could pick a frilly dandelion puff from it's roots and blow them into the wind. NOW IT'S ALL OUT FRIGGIN' WAR!!!!! Kill the dandelions! Kill Kill Kill!!

   True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

   decided to eat healthy tonight. I heard walnuts are healthy so I think I'll add them to my brownies.

   People think I'm God... anywhere I go, they say "Oh God! You've come again..."

   You must be a parking ticket... cause you got fine written all over you "Giggidi Giggidi Giggidi GOO" !

   When you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop sign, don't be surprised when I make you work for it.

   My girl can't hear loud noises when she sleeping, but when a ant tiptoes across the floor she jumps up like gunshot were fired

   ‎"You see football takes concentration and skill....SQUIRREL!!!!" - Wade Phillips/NFL Head Coach

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I'm so glad I'm not a crazy person.

   If a really fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag don't panic its just santa collecting his ho's.I'm txtn you fm the bag.Bring alcohol! Thanks

   Dude instead of all these credit card companies sending me all these applications they should donate the paper to schools or something!

   Its so humid I don't need to drink water I can breath it.

   thinks rap promotes punching, boastfulness, and disrespect toward ho's.

   I think if I were to stop suddenly... my son would find himself lodged somewhere in my colon.

   if you're dressing up like Snooki tonight, allow me to help by rubbing Doritos all over you first ;)

   Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

   ummmm...nothin like wild turkey for thanksgiving.