Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think if I were to stop suddenly... my son would find himself lodged somewhere in my colon.

   Justin Bieber to replace Miley Cyrus on Hannah Montana starting in 2011.

   was thrown out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table.

   Every time I hear a strange noise at night, I mentally prepare to fight off an intruder. If it's a velociraptor, I'm also totally ready.

   Ahhhhhhhh, those carefree days of yore when we could pick a frilly dandelion puff from it's roots and blow them into the wind. NOW IT'S ALL OUT FRIGGIN' WAR!!!!! Kill the dandelions! Kill Kill Kill!!

   True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

   When you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop sign, don't be surprised when I make you work for it.

   My girl can't hear loud noises when she sleeping, but when a ant tiptoes across the floor she jumps up like gunshot were fired

   ‎"You see football takes concentration and skill....SQUIRREL!!!!" - Wade Phillips/NFL Head Coach

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I'm so glad I'm not a crazy person.

   has just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.

   If a really fat man grabs you and throws you in a bag don't panic its just santa collecting his ho's.I'm txtn you fm the bag.Bring alcohol! Thanks

   Dude instead of all these credit card companies sending me all these applications they should donate the paper to schools or something!

   if you're dressing up like Snooki tonight, allow me to help by rubbing Doritos all over you first ;)

   Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

   ummmm...nothin like wild turkey for thanksgiving.

   Am I the only one who thinks that they should be a bracket style tournament for the gangs on Gangland? I would definitely put the DVR to some good use. .

   Anything is possible with the right attitude and sledgehammer.