Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent an idiot from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   Why can't braille just be in the shape of the letters?

   There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. MY question, why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??

   Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

   Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

   There are so many scams on the Internet now... Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.

   Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows.

   CNN Breaking news: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released......

   Now, show me on the doll where the Government touched you...