Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to party like it's 2012.

   :-O<----[ Sideways bob

   just heard that Naomi Campbell walked into a library and asked for Blood Diamond. She was told "sorry dear, you're asking the wrong person, you need a Liberian!!

   Helloooo summer. How I've missed you and your lack of responsibilities...

   I think Pringles originally intended to make tennis balls

   looking for a Facebook petition for Betty White to host the Adult Film Star Awards

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   When a package says "easy open" I end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   When a guy says he doesn't eat pu$$y,I always say...well, nothing, because he's pretty much dead to me at that point.

   I woke up and found Sarah Jessica Parkers head in my bed. I guess I pissed off the mafia.

   I used Suave shampoo this morning and I just tripped over a curb. How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?

   My mate said he sells drugs to fat people - I guess that sounds more macho than admitting he works at McDonald's.

   Deleting your Facebook is just like running away from home. Your're just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour or so..

   when you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws..only catapults

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.

   What if air is just a poisonous gas that takes about 80 years to kill us?

   going to start a reality show and only play music videos....

   It's all fun and games until someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   I'm a lover not a fighter, but I will fight for what I love

   You try to teach a kid not to steal, but every once in a while they come back with something you really want. Now I have a back scratcher.