Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a package says "easy open" I end up using scissors, knife, hammer, gun and a lightsaber.

   When a guy says he doesn't eat pu$$y,I always say...well, nothing, because he's pretty much dead to me at that point.

   I woke up and found Sarah Jessica Parkers head in my bed. I guess I pissed off the mafia.

   I used Suave shampoo this morning and I just tripped over a curb. How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?

   My mate said he sells drugs to fat people - I guess that sounds more macho than admitting he works at McDonald's.

   Deleting your Facebook is just like running away from home. Your're just doing it for attention and you'll be back in an hour or so..

   when you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws..only catapults

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.

   What if air is just a poisonous gas that takes about 80 years to kill us?

   going to start a reality show and only play music videos....

   It's all fun and games until someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   I'm a lover not a fighter, but I will fight for what I love

   You try to teach a kid not to steal, but every once in a while they come back with something you really want. Now I have a back scratcher.

   I propose a variation of "Punch Buggy" called "Too Old for a Stroller". When you see a 7 y/o being carted down the street, slug the parent.

   Women have mysterious ability of communication..........They listen half.Understand quarter & can tell DOUBLE.

   Ladies remember: Being honest and direct doesn't make you a B*tch. It makes you the Realest B*tch no-one dares to mess with.

   Admits he chooses a Presidedntial Canidate on the basis that they resemble someone on the cast of Saturday Nite Live.

   Let's see how long I can hold your breath under water.

   The moment of panic when the traffic light turns yellow and your mind instantly screams, "Can I make it?!".

   The first time I saw my ex in a thong I had to pay a cover charge....to see that same thong on her today, I would have to pay a surgeon!!