Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Wow, that is a nice lookin' pair of Crocs.” Said no one ever.

   Too many hood guys not enough good guys..

   Motivation Is Not Enough: If You Motivate An Idiot, All You Have Is A Motivated Idiot

   So Mark Zuckerberg just bought Instagram for $1billion? Why didn't he just go to the App Store and download it for 99c?

   I just want to live in a world where Chicken Pot Pies don't take 45 damn minutes to bake. Scientists, drop what you're doing.

   Ever sat in the bus next to a stranger who smells so nice you just couldn't stop licking her neck?

   You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post's every day...

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her a...mediately!!!

   the brits have a royal baby we have hoeny boo boo

   Ugly girls are like prime numbers - nothing will go into them except themselves.

   Finished watching The Little Mermaid with my daughter. I believe it taught us all a valuable lesson. Men will fall in love with women if they can't talk.

   if you use "damn" as an adjective.... you might be a damn dumbass.

   no one looks back on there lifes and remember the nights they got plenty of sleep.

   Took the stairs at work today. Not to be healthy, because the elevator smelled like boiled egg farts...

   There needs to be a "Sorry I clogged your toilet" Hallmark card.

   Nothing is more conflicting to men than an ugly woman with a really nice a$$.

   I have so much sand in my ass from the beach I have already made four little fartcastles on the floor.

   Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they're about to take a picture?

   Not to be vague, but stuff and things.

   As students return to campus, remember, college is a fountain of knowledge and students are there to drink.