Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it you never crave Chick-Fil-A until it's Sunday...the one day they're NOT open?

   Like a lot of men, this gum has severely understimated how long it will last.

   Note to self condoms are NOT Machine Washable

   bored, tell me a secret below. I won't tell anyone, I promise.

   wondering what's the appropriate amount of time to wait, before it's okay to punch somebody for saying "Happy New Year"...apparently I started too soon...

   :On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladan how good was my hiding place?

   Wish we had something like a .."National Emotionless Day"..A day where no one really gives a F**K. That my friend.. would be Awesome.

   Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

   Kinda funny how a mother goes nuts when her China plates break, but a Chinese person would just make a new one.

   Dear Audi, your commercial sucked more than the vampires in it!

   To those who have made Facebook their diary . . . Please slap yourself for me.

   It breaks my heart to break your heart but at the end of the day, mine is more important to me.

   Got a feeling that somebody is gonna get BANGED more times than a ketchup bottle tonight!!

   I wonder what it feels like to spend an entire Saturday trying to come up with something funny to post here and getting no love at all... Not that I spent all day thinking this up or anything...

   Nothing says "SEXY" like your woman holding two fishing poles and a tackle box saying "Let's go!".

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   My ex broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with footbal. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 5 1/2 seasons.

   When you love someone more than what they deserve, you get hurt more than what you deserve.

   Why to guys who wear skinny jeans still hit on girls? They're already in their pants.

   When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.