Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladan how good was my hiding place?

   Wish we had something like a .."National Emotionless Day"..A day where no one really gives a F**K. That my friend.. would be Awesome.

   Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

   Kinda funny how a mother goes nuts when her China plates break, but a Chinese person would just make a new one.

   Dear Audi, your commercial sucked more than the vampires in it!

   To those who have made Facebook their diary . . . Please slap yourself for me.

   It breaks my heart to break your heart but at the end of the day, mine is more important to me.

   Got a feeling that somebody is gonna get BANGED more times than a ketchup bottle tonight!!

   I wonder what it feels like to spend an entire Saturday trying to come up with something funny to post here and getting no love at all... Not that I spent all day thinking this up or anything...

   Nothing says "SEXY" like your woman holding two fishing poles and a tackle box saying "Let's go!".

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   My ex broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with footbal. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 5 1/2 seasons.

   When you love someone more than what they deserve, you get hurt more than what you deserve.

   Why to guys who wear skinny jeans still hit on girls? They're already in their pants.

   When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

   “Wow, that is a nice lookin' pair of Crocs.” Said no one ever.

   Too many hood guys not enough good guys..

   Motivation Is Not Enough: If You Motivate An Idiot, All You Have Is A Motivated Idiot

   So Mark Zuckerberg just bought Instagram for $1billion? Why didn't he just go to the App Store and download it for 99c?

   I just want to live in a world where Chicken Pot Pies don't take 45 damn minutes to bake. Scientists, drop what you're doing.