Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How am I supposed to be inpressed by a computer winning at Jeopardy when Google usually knows what I'm looking for after 2 letters?

   My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll see about that..

   God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad.  Also, I'm out of vodka.

   I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.

   Bad decisions make good stories

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished."

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

   Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)

   Billion Dollar Idea: A condom that changes color when it comes in contact with an STD.

   The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.

   Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head for wanting an education and she doesn't die, how can you be sure that God is on your side?

   Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement

   I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   Girlfriend texted me, "I have tried my best to make this relationship work but I seem to be the only one trying. So I have decided to break up with you and move on with my life. Can you delete my number and never contact me." I replied, "Who's this?"

   Why is it that when I walk into a Walmart I feel like I should give the greeter my ticket for the freakshow I'm about to see?

   When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   My Neighbor mows his lawn every Sunday morning at 7:00am sharp! So tonight I'm listing his mower for sale on Craigslist at 11:00pm for only $5.00. That should keep his phone ringing most of the night!..........(sleeping in tomorrow!)