Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering if the White house will have a going out of business sale?

   waiting to see the FB pics from Casey Anthony going out tonight.

   Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they're out of control.

   okay! if anyone wishes me "May the 4th be with you!" one more time. He's gonna get a kick up his wookie.

   I use to be nice, nice guys finish last, so I did what any smart person would do; I adjusted....

   Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.

   I'm not calling you an idiot, but I wouldn't be surprised if you have googled "how to breathe."

   I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time...

   If the Twilight films have taught us anything it's that werewolves are afraid of shirts.

   I really hate this new fb crap. I don't want to see what my friends comment on or like. It takes forever to see anyones status. I didn't sign up for that garbage.

   Happy Saturday!!! May the only work you do be piecing together last night's drunk texts.

   I have never driven over a bridge and not thought it was about to collapse.

   I always bring some wire cutters to parties, just in case someone else brings a guitar.

   New rule: if you're watching tv and have no idea what the f*ck is going on, it's a car commercial.

   Finally with today's paycheck, I've saved up enough cash to get the "gold" package on my '93 Sentra.

   I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."

   Obama was right about North Korean, no need to go to war to remove Dictator Kim Jong .

   You say you belong to Jesus but half of your profile pics are X-rated.

   This just in... Casey Anthony just got ran over by a reindeer, walking home from the stripclub Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas everyone!

   My number one New Year's Resolution is: Don't die.