Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you're doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!

   How do you know if someone is Vegan?? Don't worry, they'll effin tell you

   What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

   I hate it when the cashier asks me a stupid question like. "Are you buying all of these?", "No B!@tch!!, I'm stealing, just wanted to show you first!"

   Are you kidding me? I hope Madonna has a wardrobe malfunction during the Super Bowl halftime show. I know it sounds sick, but I'd like to see her dong.

   Don't make decisions when your angry or horny =P

   This Planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door been laying outside for 3 days now.

   Dear Santa, Please bring world peace, a cure to cancer, fix the financial crisis............ and please find, and land your sleigh on Casey Anthony's head. That's all...

   I love Pandas, they`re so chill. They`re like "Dude, racism is stupid. I`m White, Black, and Asian..."

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. starts brushing teeth

   If Trump isn't your president, why do you want to fight in his military?

   Snookie is so small and orange she works part time as a highway traffic cone!

   Sarah Palin has filed to have her name trademarked and will eventually become Sarah Palin ®. That is, unless she quits halfway through the paperwork.

   ~ Proud to be the winner of the sperm race ~

   Quite certain that my cat, as he lies here “purring” beside me, is plotting ways to kill me in my sleep. Or at least a clever plot that will ultimately end up in me finding a turd in my shoe in the morning.

   The other day, I read something that made me piss myself. It was a sign, it said "Toilets closed."

   A lot of my friends and relatives are getting married, I don't go all out on gifts anymore after my marriage, I just buy them all the same thing, a label machine- and with it a card that says in two years you will thank me…

   DADDY isn't defined as the man who makes the child, but rather the man who extends his hands and time to help with the child's needs, raising and giving his heart to love the child through anything. !!! BLOOD Doesn't always make you a DADDY! Being a DADDY

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!