Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't have a beer belly. What I have is a fuel tank for a sex machine......

   Unless you're a steaming hot girl, most people don't really care how your day went. If it doesn't relate to them, then they don't wanna read about it. A friendly Facebook reminder of the STFU Association.

   just broken down and listened to a song by Justin Beiber. I've got the phone on vibrate for the rest of the day since I just stabbed both ears repeatedly with a ball point pen.

   All sluts should come with an easy button on their forehead.

   frustrated that he knows all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask him the questions.

   63 notifications later..i regret "liking" your status

   says This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our..."

   Guys are always saying they get their woman to make them a sandwich right after sex. If she can walk straight after having sex, you're doing it wrong! Go make your own damn sandwich!

   How do you know if someone is Vegan?? Don't worry, they'll effin tell you

   What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

   I hate it when the cashier asks me a stupid question like. "Are you buying all of these?", "No B!@tch!!, I'm stealing, just wanted to show you first!"

   Are you kidding me? I hope Madonna has a wardrobe malfunction during the Super Bowl halftime show. I know it sounds sick, but I'd like to see her dong.

   Don't make decisions when your angry or horny =P

   This Planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door been laying outside for 3 days now.

   Dear Santa, Please bring world peace, a cure to cancer, fix the financial crisis............ and please find, and land your sleigh on Casey Anthony's head. That's all...

   I love Pandas, they`re so chill. They`re like "Dude, racism is stupid. I`m White, Black, and Asian..."

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. starts brushing teeth

   If Trump isn't your president, why do you want to fight in his military?

   Snookie is so small and orange she works part time as a highway traffic cone!